Days in the life of Nobody

This is the end of this blog. It has been fun, and I’ve learned a lot, but now it’s time to close this chapter in my life. My feelings are mixed. I am sure some people have benefited from reading these thoughts and diatribes, but there comes a time when one word more is too many. May each person find what he or she is searching for in life!

We can only be honest to our own quest ..

I wrote this recently, when I was feeling down about moving house …

THE STAIRCASE

It’s just a staircase, simple
A set of steps for walking on.
But to touch it brings back memories,
And they begin to flow down.
All of a sudden, that staircase is not just a staircase anymore,
But a picture album, a story, and a bridge between young and old.
And those who haven’t walked upon it as much as I could never know,
But without it, well … it would really leave a hole
And I would feel like almost everything had been in vain
But it’s just a staircase – simple
So let the memories go down the drain.

My family and I will be moving out in mid-March, and we still don’t
know where we’ll be staying - probably in the Inner-West (if Mum and
Dad find a nice place, and think my brother and I are worth a million dollars :p) I’m getting quite sentimental now Have never lived anywhere else!

P.S. Uploaded some pics from my trip - see the South East Asia photo album on the left. Only allowed to upload 50 pics per month, so photos of Cambodia are still coming!

I don’t know where what I’m doing now will lead me.

I know that some of it is quite risky, and likely to make people concerned about me.

Maybe that is the whole problem. If you can see that other people are concerned, then probably what you are doing is foolish - especially if those other people are wise.
So … does that mean you should listen to them and stop it?

You are not serious about anything, except some pathetic attempt to overcome your ego. What you are doing is lame, and hardly raises an eyebrow, except to say "Poor Julian". Either do it properly now by really fucking up your life, or forget about it. And how can you really fuck up your life? By really not caring. But then the catch is, if you have to do those things which really require you not to care in order to do them, then you must still care about them! And the only thing you will do by trying to break the shackles is make people pity you.

This is not the point, is it? Aren’t you trying to break your own attachment to others expectations? If you can’t do it without actually losing self-consciousness, then there’s no point, is there??

So how can you do it? You have to go through this phase, right? You have to lose it all, in order to win, right? As long as you don’t break any laws/precepts in the process, you can do what you like, can’t you? Cos you have to stay alive to do this stuff, and also be around decent people who make life emotionally bearable (and who are also not breaking laws/precepts). That means not offending too many people either.

Most people will see you, pity you, and move on, but if you aren’t practising non-attachment the whole time, then what is there to gain? Nothing. Just the loss. And what if you lost all your friends and hung out with losers in the meantime, how would you feel then? Or maybe what you need are ‘true’ friends …

Who is a true friend? Someone who understands all this? Someone who’s going through the same phase? Someone who will just accept you no matter what… I don’t know. Perhaps you can tell me???

I’m back at Square 1. Before Germany. No desire to be anything or go any place. Just me and my messed-up self.

Hey all. I’m back from Vietnam and Malaysia now. Glad to be back. Here are some song lyrics i would like to share ^_^

I’ve listened to this song for years, but never noticed how meaningful it is! Hope others are also touched. It’s sung by Incubus (Morning View album) - music is good too (according to my slightly alternative taste :p)

WARNING

She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don’t ever let life pass you by.
Pass you by.

For those who are interested in photos from my trip, I will put an album on here when my brother gets back (mid-Feb).

Happy New Year’s & Take Care!
Jules

Hey!… hope everyone is still around, and haven’t given up hope on my blog ever being revived! It has been in dire straits lately, as I have been in a bit of dire straits myself … my life has changed - I am not going to write miserable depressing stuff any more. Dunno what I was thinking - it’s not good for anyone is it!

Well .. update time. I am struggling with exams at present. Am going through a period where I am very jealous of anyone who has actually finished uni - so if that’s you, stay away from me! (if you don’t wanna get hurt) My thesis is going much better than last time (i restarted), but is currently on hold as I am no good at multi-tasking during exam time (although apparently this doesn’t include writing my blog).

Here is some weird stuff that has happened lately:

1) Teaching Mely to drive - don’t do it! I would reccommend doing a crash course in anxiety and stress management before you step into the car with her. She is a ‘unique’ driver with an equally ‘unique’ interpretation of road rules.

2) Having wisdom teeth removed - not too bad actually - they are much bigger than I expected. Don’t remember anything from the actual operation (since I wasn’t consious). Here is a question for budding Buddhists: where does your consciousness go when you are anaesthetised? If you’re gone too long, does it get bored and leave??

Eating is fun. I have been having mostly soup with a straw and mashed bananas. You have to use your front teeth for chewing - which i imagine it would be kind of like learning to walk on your knees or something. Anyway - interesting experiences.

3) Singing at a funeral - a Buddhist funeral actually. Alex invited us (me, Tonia, Linus, Ang) to attend his friend’s funeral (a guy who he had been visiting in hospital for a year or so as part of his ‘practice’). The guy was apparently interested in Buddhism, and wanted to have Buddhists chant at his funeral. So Alex decided that a mixed assortment of gwai lo, half gwai-lo (Tonia), mongolian (Linus), and confused child (Ang) would do the trick! This made for funny experience, as we were not told what we would chant until we actually stood in front of the coffin and were asked to ‘perform’! One of the songs was something we had actually sung in choir before, so I began to sing it, before realising that nobody else could … so I had to kind of blend back into monotone and hope that people would assume it was a kind of introductory aria or something.

… Other weird stuff that has also happened lately, but it is far too weird to post here, and in any case, those who were present cannot actually agree upon whether it actually happened or not. As they say … fantasy is weird … but reality can sometimes be weirder :S I used to think whoever made that statement was an idiot, but I have no doubt about it anymore! Life is truly weird.

What if I told you that all of your life’s problems stem from one single cause? Will you believe me?

What if I told you I can show you the way to solve these problems? Will you think it is possible?

I don’t believe in belief, despite how
paradoxical that statement is. And I don’t want you to blindly believe
in me either. So let’s try it out and you see for yourself. Think of a
problem – any problem. Lost love. Lost friend. Lost marks. Lost job.
Lost money. Lost car. Lost opportunity. Lost reputation.

Now think for a minute how you feel.
Unhappy, angry, depressed, frustrated, pity, disappointed,
self-critical, or maybe unloved. Whatever the feeling stay with it and
recognise it is there. No need to push it away or suppress it. Don’t
act upon it either.

Now ask yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” And keep asking yourself “why?” until you get to the root of your unhappiness.

You may come up with many answers, but let
me propose that inevitably, it will always lead to one answer:
attachment. Attachment to things being the way they are and people
being a particular way. Attachment to our views as right, and feeling
our egos threatened with every criticism.

But everything is impermanent and subject to change. Things change, circumstances change, people change, and most importantly, we change.
Problems often arise when we live and attach to things as if they are
supposed to be permanent, instead of changing ourselves to the natural
rhythms of life.

If we accept that attachment can cause
unhappiness, then obviously letting go is a source of happiness. But
what does that actually mean? It doesn’t mean to give up or to be
indifferent. It has a much more profound meaning than that.

To explore more on this theme of attachment,
the UNSW Buddhist Society (UNIBUDS) will be holding its anniversary
celebration of performances and festivities on the 25^th August from 7pm to 10pm at the Sir John Clancy  Auditorium.
There will be a one-hour play, songs performed by our trained choir,
multimedia animations, talks on Buddhism by a respected monk and nun,
and a vegetarian dinner before the show at 6pm. Tickets cost $10 for
UNIBUDS members and $12 for all others.

UNIBUDS also has other FREE weekly
activities on campus, including Dhamma talks in English (Fridays,
7-9pm) and Chinese (Thursday, 6-8pm) and Meditation Sessions (Tuesday
and Thursday, 1-2pm).

For more information, please log onto our website at www.unibuds.unsw.edu.au

written by Tina Ng

- printed in Blitz Magazine -

Thanks Cheng Hiang for giving me something suitable to put in my blog … it has been kind of barren lately :S

Have just been plain too attached lately =(

Winter retreat was great. Stayed there from Wednesday onwards, and helped to prepare things for the arrival of the 60+ people who came! ~ must be some kind of UNIBUDS record I think! Yet somehow there is an empty feeling left over .. like something is still not complete, something left unsatisfied .. clinging to something, but I dunno what.

Now I’m reading the Dalai Lama’s quote on my noticeboard:

"For people to focus on "my life", "my life" destroys the capacity for compassion. From that perspective, a small problem appears to be a gigantic problem and only brings more unhappiness, frustration, insecurity and fear."

Contemplating that makes me feel better already. But if not my life, then whose life? And how to help them? Where to lead them? These thoughts are weird … maybe not helpful .. but still, I get them all the time. Maybe Phra Mana is right: thinking is the problem. If we didn’t think, would things just come naturally? Sometimes I think ‘yes’. Sometimes I think ‘no’.

I am at a loss. My head is pulling me in one direction now, but my heart doesn’t want to follow. Should I go travelling with my brother at the end of this year? Maybe not … but I have cancelled these things before. He will enjoy showing me around. I will probably enjoy it once I get there. But my heart doesn’t feel like travelling anymore.

The storm is beginning to subside. Blue skies are ahead. There is room to think and breathe. Attachments are beginning to rationalise themselves. New plans are coming into being.

Today is a very symbolic day. I am planning to clean my room! Don’t worry about the past now - it’s all finished. You have been very kind to me, and now I need to be kind to myself.

Capricorn: Your involvement with friends and associates may be quite complex now,
yet you really still might require support. You hold yourself to a high
set of standards and it may be difficult to engage others in your
current plans. Nevertheless, there are special people in your life and
you would be wise to recognize them and acknowledge their needs. If you
are honest with yourself and others, you’ll have an excellent chance of
working out any differences.

Yea.. life is really complex at present. Getting bad headaches now. On the surface, there is one reality - nice and simple. But beneath the surface, there are so many other things happening! People make things so complicated … it is hard to please everyone … or at least .. not to hurt anyone. How to deal with this ????????

Forget it.. don’t worry abt it. There is no way I could explain it without making things worse. Just give me a KISS - ‘Keep it Simple, Stupid!’ hahahahaha (slightly maniac laugh)

Capricorn: On other days you can be a pain in someone else’s side if you tell them
exactly what is real. Now, however, the tables may be turned, as you
may have to deal with a coworker or partner who comes down pretty hard
on you. Take it in stride, for there are important lessons to be
learned. Be prepared to swallow your own medicine.

This one hardly needs a comment! Yes .. I know. I’ve given out that ‘medicine’ on regular occassions .. and now, when I’m down, people find it convenient to kick me in return. That’s OK - I can swallow it ~ it’s all part of the learning experience, right? You will have your turn again soon, I assure you!!! (Not from me, perhaps, but it’ll come :p)

To everyone: I’m sorry if I’ve been a burden to you while I’m down. I’m sorry if you hate being around my sensitiveness. It’s fun to hang around people when they’re smiling, isn’t it? But not so fun when they’re lost within themselves… Still … it’s nature. We never feel like being around those whose luck has gone sour. That’s understandable. It takes a special type of person to do that. We’re only human. So long as we don’t derive pleasure from other people’s pain, that’s OK .. right?

Summary: if you want to ignore me, I’ll understand - just don’t make it worse!!

(it’s not really that bad now.. i just felt like this the other day..)